office monkey blog

Kind of Disturbing

2006-11-22T09:37:00.000-08:00

I think Cleopatra just ate something nasty.

Lisa Writes for AOL

2006-11-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

I'm a hustler, baby!
I just want you to know.
It's not where I've been,
but where I'm 'bout to go..."

Seriously, not to toot my own horn, but yeah, I'm about to go on 'head and toot it. One of my most recent on-the-side writing gigs was to do some snarky photo commentary for AOL Music's feature, "The Glamorous Life of..." featuring various musical artists.

I recently did the series for "The Glamorous Life of Christina Aguilera," and wanted to share it with y'all.

Some Good, Wholesome Internet Nonsense

2006-11-10T09:28:00.000-08:00

It's not so much that the infamous former figure skater, Tonya Harding, has her own website. That's to be expected.

It's more that she has a section on the site dedicated to sexual fantasies her "fans" have written about her. According to the site, there are 1532 fantasies posted to date.

You MUST promise me to read at least one. Bonus points for anyone who actually bothers to write one.

Sporting the mom jeans and the crispy perm, Tonya is definitely one classy lady.

TMZ One-Year Anniversary Party

2006-11-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

I told Wayne that I'm starting to feel like we look related. It was a trash-tastic event, abundant with reality-tv celebrities and good times.

This last one is a video of all the D-Listers who showed up long enough to get themselves videotaped being at the party. For more pix of the event (as well as the reality TV stars we got to meet), check out Liquid Lunch Podcast.

Lisa T. Takes Her Ass to The People's Choice Awards Nominations

2006-11-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

Oh boy, it was picture time for Lisa T. and Wayne Ford when we woke up at the butt-crack of dawn this morning to go celeb-hunting at The 33rd Annual People's Choice Awards Nominations. I'm so sorry if you've seen this pic before, but I just love it so much.

Click here to see the post on A Socialite's Life with our first batch of pix. More pix should be up by this afternoon on the Liquid Lunch Podcast website this afternoon.

Until they're posted, however, feel free to enjoy our latest podcast, which we just posted earlier today.

powered by ODEO

Sexy, No?

2006-11-06T12:04:00.000-08:00

So, I recently got a friend request from one Ms. Tila Tequila, but I don't know if I'm interested in adding her, mostly cause I have a policy of not adding anyone I don't actually know. But, when I clicked on her request to see who it was, I noticed this chick in her top 8.

I love this picture so much. It's moderately bad enough to almost actually be good, except that it's like this sexy cat who looks like she lives on a farm. If it were a porn, the gist might be that she's a horny pussy who happens to live on a dairy farm and whose sexual frustration is amplified by the fact that she's surrounded by nothing but Moo Cows who just sit and complain about how sore their teats are from all the milking.

At night, she sneaks out and has wild, passionnate sex with a guy in a Wolverine costume, only she meant for him to get a more convincing-looking one, but this is the only one the prop master had the budget for and it actually ends up being very effective since both of their costumes are made out of such flimsy plastic that they pretty much dissolve once they start dry-humping each other.

Additionally, I'd like to point out that I originally thought she was using a cane to prop herself up into that pelvis-jutting-out-to-the-side stance she has going on there, until I realized it was actually nunchucks.

Celebrities in Pictures

2006-11-06T11:18:00.000-08:00

MSN.com's Feature, this week in photos had some really great pix of celebs in and around the Halloween season. Check it.

First off, there's Rachel Weisz at a Halloween bash, looking like a super-serious, if not somewhat confused Minnie Mouse. I love how she looks like she's giving sexy-face for a perfume ad or something.

Perhaps these mouse ears are the latest from Burberry's very fashionable headwear collection for the fall. I also love that there's nothing about her make-up that would indicate that she is wearing a costume. I hope that from the neck down, she's dressed in a Valentino ball-gown.

Her gentle confusion is also quite adorable. As if maybe she hadn't actually planned on wearing a costume of any sort, and someone secretly placed those ears on her as she was walking out her door as a sort of prank. "Why is everyone calling me Minnie?" her expression seems to say.

And here we have a side-by-side comparison of beach bunny, Pamela Anderson and the ever-incorrigible, Courtney Love. Now, Courtney seems to be looking mad normal these days, what with her titties concealed and her hair not looking like she styled it with Elmer's glue and/or hobo cum. However, Pam, I might add, is looking a little bit worn around the edges. And in a strange twist of fate, it seems Pam's looks have degraded at the same rate at which Courtney's seem to be mildly improving so that they appear to have almost reached the same level of attractiveness.

Why do I love this picture so much, you may ask? Because this was taken the day AFTER Halloween and Grace Jones is still rocking the Grace Jones costume. Seriously, the woman probably just goes as herself every year. Why the fuck would you bother getting a costume if THIS is the kind of stuff you wear on a daily basis. God, I love you, you crazy bitch.

And my final selection from this batch of pix is this one of Shakira, receiving her Latin Grammy while laughing her ass off. I love Shakira and I think that she is indeed very sexy, but you got to admit the woman laughs like a humongous dork. Endearing though it is, it's a bit Celine Dion-ish.

Even Marc Anthony is looking at the audience like, "Heh. This is a little awkward. I mean, that joke wasn't really that funny--I was just trying to get her to relax and not think about all these people on stage. But now, she's laughing like someone at the dinner table just sharted AND accidentally shot milk out their nose at the exact same time."

Kristie Alley Bikinis It Up on Oprah

2006-11-06T10:05:00.000-08:00

In a scenario fitting of my most horrific personal nightmare, Kristie Alley actually had the balls to keep her promise to Oprah and appear on the hit daytime talk show, sporting a bikini as well as a much more svelte bod than the one she was rocking during her "Fat Actress" days.

Kudos, chica! Here's to a bitch rocking stilettos, ho!

Employee of the Month Strikes Again!

2006-11-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

For those of you in the L.A. area, please save the date for Employee of the Month's upcoming performance. We're going to be celebrating the comedy of Studio 60, by performing their sketches as we would like to imagine they would have been written and performed in their entirety.

WHEN?
Friday, November 17th @ 8PM

WHERE?
The Westside Eclectic in Santa Monica.
1323-A 3rd Street
Santa Monica

Please, please, please come and check out this show. It's probably going to be a one-time performance and we're worried Studio 60 will get cancelled before we get a chance to do something this fun again!

Gwen Stefani in Studio - "Wind It Up"

2006-11-02T23:25:00.000-08:00

How much do I love Gwen Stefani? It's really hard to say. Especially after I watched this little webisode of her in the studio working on her most recent single, "Wind It Up." She is so adorable, beaming her face off, as she carries her little baby boy around, clearly happy out of her mind that she is a mommy. So cute.

Also, I don't recognize that other guy in the studio with her and Pharell, but am I crazy, or does he totally look like a young Tim Robbins?

For some reason, I just love hearing her talk. Plus, her hair's always fucking great. So, I invite you to enjoy the Stefani wholesome goodness along with me.

I think you can watch more webisodes (they seem to be adding more of them as time goes on) if you click here.

Got An Olive Problem?

2006-10-31T11:06:00.000-08:00

If you're anything like my friend, Wayne, then your love of filthy martinis has left you with jars of olives in your fridge, just sitting there, juiceless and lonely.

So, I endeavored to find a recipe to solve this problem. And it came, courtesy of Food Network.

Enjoy!

GREEN OLIVE TAPENADE
Recipe courtesy Pilar Sanchez
2 cups Spanish green olives
2 tablespoons capers
7 fresh Spanish marinated anchovy fillets
1 teaspoon lemon zest
1 teaspoon finely chopped parsley
1/2 cup olive oil

Put all ingredients except olive oil in food processor and pulse until thoroughly pureed. Add olive oil and pulse until incorporated. It says it should take about 12 minutes to make.

And for those of you not interested in the fishy flavor, I have a feeling that the anchovy fillets are optional.

It's A Halloween Podcast!

2006-10-31T09:09:00.000-08:00

Hey kiddies! How much does it suck that Halloween is on a Tuesday? :( But have no fear, we're here to cheer you up with no small consolation. You get to to have you some Liquid Lunch!

If you're at work, you might want to turn the volume down. Particularly for this episode. For some reason, we were intent on using lots of profanity. Probably because it's so much fun.

LISTEN HERE!

Oh yes.

2006-10-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

It's like looking into a beautiful, all-too familiar mirror comprised of a collage of all the best aspects of this million dollar visage.

Want to see what famous celebs you resemble? Then have some fun over at MyHeritage.com.

Yum. Jelly-cheese sandwich.

2006-10-30T21:52:00.000-08:00

What makes a Lisa happier than a delicious snack? That's right, getting a shout-out, interview-style.

In a recent interview with Associated Content, I got to wax poetic about blogging. Check it out:

While the cliche of the bored and frustrated office worker is pretty well worn territory (mostly by the great movie "Office Space"), there are a few sources that still present a fresh voice for those laboring at the copy machine and the multi-line phone. One such source is the blog "Office Monkey" (http://being_lisa_t.blogspot.com/), which criticizes the foibles of pop culture icons on behalf of young office workers nationwide...

For the rest, click here.

The L.A. Sketch Riot Wants YOU!

2006-10-29T18:25:00.000-08:00

This goes out to all of you sketch comedy troupes!

Employee of The Month is seeking sketch comedy groups to participate in the first ever L.A. Sketch Riot, 3 days of Sketch Comedy (Dec. 8th, 9th and 10th).

We are looking for groups to do 30 minutes of sketch comedy for a fun festival at the Westside Eclectic.

NO ENTRY FEE.

You don't have to send us a tape, if you have a website with video, YouTube, or something online anywhere to apply.

SUBMISSION DEADLINE: NOVEMBER 15TH, 2006!!!

For more information on how to apply, please check out the L.A. Sketch Riot website.

Living My Life Faster

2006-10-27T10:16:00.000-07:00

This is supposed to be the result of an 8-year photo project, in which this guy took his portrait every day since 1998. I have no idea if it's legit or not, but if it's fake, then hey, that took a lot of effort too, so kudos.

My Lunch Snack

2006-10-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

AWESOME.

My new favorite toy

2006-10-26T13:49:00.000-07:00

OMG, OMG, OMG! Not since receiving my iPod nano for Christmas last year have I been so excited! Combining my love of gadgetry, along with my obsession for running, the Nike + iPod epitomizes the ultimate in Lisa's nerdy loves.

This has apparently been out since July, but I didn't find out about it until this morning and it took a grand total of one hour from the time I did, until I had purchased it directly from the Apple store.
Unfortunately, it's not the Gel Asics + iPod, which would make me VERY happy, but it's all good, cause I've made a little cozy out of leftover pink shoelaces (don't ask why I have those just hanging around, I'm actually not sure anymore...) on my shoes for my little sensor to rest whilst I run.

However, if you're interested in purchasing a little holder for your shoe sensor, then the Marware Sportsuit Sensor looks like a pretty good one. Plus, you don't have to make a cozy for each shoe--you can just put it on different shoes.

US Weekly Giving Me Some Love

2006-10-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Holy Condaleeza Rice! I'm so happy!

A blog post I wrote yesterday got a mention on US Weekly's Blog.

Because I'm Just That Retarded

2006-10-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

I recently found this (I know, I know, it's been up for a while now...) and, in keeping with my Tyra Banks/ANTM obsession, I felt the need to share it with you guys.

I've already messaged my boyfriend and my mother, and you're probably next, whoever you are, reading this.

It's Pumpkin-Carving Time

2006-10-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me well, you know that one of my favorite Halloween activities is cutting up a pumpkin. It's always been a challenge for me to try and come up with a realistic and hopefully scary-looking jack-o-lantern that will really scare the kids.

This year, I've decided that the scariest visage which I can put on an unwitting pumpkin would be that of none other than the fabulously terrifying Tyra Banks.

Any kids coming to my apartment will be greeted with the solemn announcement that they are still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Trick-or-Treater. Unless I'm not holding their picture in my hand. In which case, they will have to pack their things and leave the loft IMMEDIATELY.

If you really loved me...

2006-10-24T10:01:00.000-07:00

...you'd do it.

In the hopes of getting ourselves some more attention, we're up on VH1's Best Link Ever and would love for all of you drunken, adoring fans to scootch on over here and give us a vote.

That is, if you really love us as much as you CLAIM you do.

Liquid Lunch Ep. 3

2006-10-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

Maybe we'll get this right the third time around...

Wayne and I have put out a third episode of what we like to think of as "the drinking game that never stops."

Check it out, kiddies!

Just Another Reason To Love Craigslist...

2006-10-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, this shit is highly amusing, and I'm posting it mostly because I thought it was ridiculous and you all would enjoy it, but I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I was totally thinking that would be a pretty easy way to make a hundred bucks.

Luckily, I'm not yet ready to stoop quite that low.

Yet.

Lisa's Red-Headed Slutty Stepchild Recipe

2006-10-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

1 oz peach schnapps
1 oz Jagermeister®
Cranberry juice

Basically, from the research I've gathered, it's the Jagermeister and the cranberry juice that really constitute the essence of the shot, and possible substitutions (depending on taste, and/or desire for a stronger or weaker drink) for the peach schnapps in the recipe include, Crown Royal and/or Southern Comfort.

Heck, basically, whatever works for you! As long as it's got red hair and is slutty!

Brenda Joyce on her lady parts

2006-10-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

"It wants too much."

Oh Hell No

2006-10-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

I know that bitchy and annoying Omarosa did not go and get herself some useless-ass implants. Except that she did.

First of all, what the hell is the point? She is absolutely horrific in every way shape and form. No one on Earth wants to look at that bitch's titties anyway. Making them bigger just increases the mass of something that is--as a whole--already so offensive to the senses that it should actually be illegal. What she should be doing is trying to make herself shrink away so that there is less of her to hate.

Secondly, if she thinks any man on this planet is going to be tricked into a relationship by luring him to her with some fakey-fake titties despite the black hole that is her personality--she's probably right. Men are (for the most part retarded) and this stupid bitch will probably find an even stupider man-bitch to do her bidding. And I say, it serves him right.

Thanks, Popbytes!

My dad's dead...

2006-10-17T16:25:00.000-07:00

... so where's my show?

From MSN News:

Bindi Irwin, the 8-year-old daughter of the late "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin, will star in a wildlife series to air on the Discovery Kids network early next year.

I know what you're thinking...I'm just obsessed with having my own show and extremely jealous.

And you would be right.

That's right, folks...

2006-10-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

...there's more Liquid Lunch for those of you thirsting for more.

Also, vote for us on VH1's Best Week Ever under their Drop It section. Woo hoo!

Remember this hot mess?

2006-10-10T18:02:00.000-07:00

That's right folks. Sharon Osbourne used to have a talk show here in the U.S. Enjoy the immense amount of awkward.

I went to a taping once and the most interesting thing that happened during the freezing cold hours I was trapped on that stage in the audience was that Minnie kept pooping all over the place. Good times.

Tis the season...

2006-10-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

...to be dressing like a ho, even if it's freezin'!

I love Halloween, even though most of the holiday seems to exist solely as an excuse for undercover (and flat-out) hoochies to parade around in ridiculous get-ups (think "sexy" insert profession) even when all these fools know no matter where you live, it is too cold to for a bitch to be out and about half-nekkid!

That said, I'd like to take a trip down memory lane with some of my favorite celebrity hoochies on Halloween.

Now, I'm going to start at the very beginning--with Mimi--of course, for whom Halloween isn't much different from any other day of the year. Frankly, I've seen her wearing much less, in a much colder and inappropriate climate. I do especially enjoy the painted-on abs and wonder if they're part of the costume, or leftover from midriff-less outfit preparation from the night before. The great thing about Mariah is that the fool dresses like this on a daily basis. I imagine she's shown up at the gynecologist's office in Vegas-style showgirl costume and jammed those lucite heels into the stirrups without so much as batting an eyelash. That's the kind of dedication this ho has to image.

Her smile is great too--displaying a sort of disbelief at how ridiculous/insane she still gets to walk around being, while still consistently being invited to high-profile red carpet events.

Moving on to a woman who isn't afraid to rock the camel toe without so much as a shred of irony, Coco, with her man, Ice-T. I have so much trouble understanding that this is the same man who is so damn good on my beloved Law & Order. Sigh. Anyways...

This is how I prefer to imagine the night's preparations played out:

COCO: OK, I'm ready to go out. But Ice, baby, you look so silly in that orange jumpsuit!

ICE-T: What are you talking about, you crazy bitch? It's Halloween.

COCO: Oh snap! I totally forgot! (Looks at outfit.) Do you think I should change into something sexier? I mean, I've got a crotchless version of these hotpants I was saving for Easter Sunday, but honestly, I don't know if I can wait that long! My cooch is ready to party NOW!

Now here we have one Ms. Paris Hilton, and you can tell by the picture that this is a Halloween costume because she's actually wearing underwear--which leads me to believe that she probably thinks this costume title is "Amish Girl."

Honestly, I think that if Paris Hilton ever showed up to a public event dressed appropriately I would probably be very concerned that she had been killed, skinned and her body was being worn by a terrorist completely unfamiliar with American pop-culture.

This is all I have for now, but expect more cattiness as the season approaches...

Liquid Lunch

2006-10-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

In case you don't already know, I now have a podcast on A Socialite's Life, that I plan on doing on a regular basis with my buddy, Wayne Ford. If you like the way I write, you'll love the way I sound when I'm in boozy floozy mode.

Also, since we're so fancy-schmancy, you can also upload the podcast via iTunes by clicking here.

Garth Marenghi's Dark Place

2006-10-09T13:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks to friends with good taste, I have recently become obsessed with Garth Marenghi's Dark Place, which aired on the Sci-Fi Channel, but which my cable-less ass has only seen from episodes posted on the Internet.

So, for those of you like me, I've gathered together the best of what I could find online of Dark Place--that is until October 16th.

You can watch the first episode of Dark Place ("Once Upon A Beginning") on the Sci-Fi Channel's website for the show.

The rest are clips that I found on YouTube.

EPISODE TWO - "Hell Hath Fury"

Here's the entire second episode. I would comment on the episode more extensively, but really, the humor speaks for itself. My love affair with Dean Lerner, which I started after watching the first episode, is further cultivated as I get to watch him whip out that shotgun at the drop of a hat and shoot things.

After watching the first two episodes, you'll be able to enjoy these more random clips.

DARK PLACE MUSIC VIDEO - "One Track Lover"

Dr. Sanchez pines for Liz, who pines for Dagless, and he expresses his hopelessness in the form of glorious 80's music. The only way this could be any more awesome, would be if there were a smidge more key-tar.

THE HORRORS OF GLASGOW - "Scotch Mist"

Dagless talks about his hellish trip to Scotland. Kind of makes me want to go there.

FIGHT SCENE - "The Creeping Moss from the Shores Of Shuggoth"

If you're a nerd like me, then you know exactly what I mean when I use the expression nerd-fight. This is when two guys who are both equally inept at any sort of physical activity square off and engage in what they believe to be a fight. It's much more fun to watch than a real fight, because no one really ever gets hurt. Although, it's not unheard of that someone ends up locking himself in his room and crying.

Did I mention how much I HEART Dean Lerner?

4 Da Shorteez

2006-10-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

Since I'm always a few years behind most trends, and only really get impassioned about things after they've long since been discovered by others, I've recently been watching lots of Aqua Teen Hunger Force (thank you, Netflix). Most recently, I watched the "Sir Loin" episode, which features the song, "Doin' It 4 Da Shorteez," which will soon become my new phone ring (sorry, Crime Mob).

After finding out that the song is by MC Chris, I googled him and I'm telling you, you should check out his website cause it's cooooool.

A Taste of Gratuitous Self-Love

2006-10-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

For my recent (and first) podcast interview that I did for A Socialite's Life earlier this week, I first had a little photo shoot with my good buddy and noted photographer, Wayne Ford, at his apartment's pool.

We actually only needed one picture, but there were so many good ones, that I felt they must see the light of day somewhere. Plus, it's so rare that I actually ever full-out dress like a girl. Therefore, I've decided to post my favorites from said shoot.

I love this one, mostly because you can't really see me. It's the martini that's the star of the show and I almost used it, except that it looks too similar to another picture on ASL that we use for a completley different feature.

This is my Patsy Stone rip-off picture. I enjoy the lazy cigarette hanging out of my mouth, which I'm trying to light without catching any part of my person on fire. With my cigarette, and martini glass, I'm about one prop away from having way too much shit in my hands.

This was another picture I really wanted to use, but I didn't think I looked quite crazy enough in it. I love how 70's the lighting looks. And yes, bitches, all of that is my real hair. This bitch can't afford weave no way, no how.

After seeing this picture, I'm totally realizing that dieting and exercise is for dumb people. Want to look skinny? Then just take pictures like this for the rest of your life. I like to imagine that I would be able to get myself in the US Magazine "Too Skinny!" Issue, with my picture sandwiched in between Kate Bosworth and the dangerously skinny Olsen twin, as opposed to the less skinny one.

My God, my feet even look small. Fucking-A.

This is my Fellini bitch picture. Seriously, if this were in black and white, Marcello Mastroianni would be begging me not to call his wife, as I had previously threatened to do in the scene at the beginning of the movie. That's right, bitches, cause this ho is playing the mistress. Cause nothing says homewrecker quite like a plunging neckline and slight bouffant half-up, half-down hairdo.

This is a great shot from some of the very first pictures we took, when I very ambitiously thought I could handle all those damn props at once. You can't tell, but I soaked two cigarettes with vodka cause I kept spilling that shit all over the place. At the end of the shoot, my hands smelled like I had been molesting the hell of some poor, innocent olives.

Recognize this? If not, then I'm not even sure what you're doing here, cause CLEARLY this is my most Janice Dickinson moment of the entire shoot. Short of rocking the crazy fake titties and/or showing my crotch, I'm obviously channeling the world's--nay, the UNIVERSE'S--very first supermodel.

And for my last pic, I just went for the pretty shot. That's right. I said it. Cause I think I'm pretty.

I think I want this...

2006-10-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

...more specifically, a subscription to this magazine for Christmas.

I'm kidding. But seriously, doesn't it kind of look awesome? I just always remember that they have to spray their butts with adhesive for the swimsuit competition so that they don't get wedgies. I kind of feel like I might want to do that for my everyday life--because like beauty pageant contestants, I also don't have time in my fast-paced life to be picking wedgies willy-nilly.

My bank account is telling me...

2006-10-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

...I can't afford to keep buying things like this if I'd like to have enough money for health insurance.

But my heart keeps saying, "Just avoid major surgery and/or cancer and you'll be fine. Buy it."

My new desktop background

2006-10-05T11:14:00.000-07:00

I love this picture.

I found it when I googled the term "fat lisa" and stumbled upon this little hidden nugget of an adorable website called Spelling Mistakes Cost Lives.

The Office Monkey Speaks

2006-10-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

Since I've been blogging like a maniac over all things celebrity and pop-culture related for A Socialite's Life I've been totally neglecting Office Monkey, as you may well have noticed. Additionally, I am in fact, once again, an office monkey, answering phones (ugh), scheduling meetings (grr) and (gasp!) picking up dry-cleaning.

I know, I know. We all thought I had left that nonsense behind but I keep getting sucked back in--lured back by the prospect of actually being able to make enough money to pay rent. Sigh.

Luckily, though, it's all temporary. And then I'll be back to my leisurely blogging and slowly dwindling bank account.

So, for the moment, I'm really just going to let loose and whine for a bit. I'm menstrual and hormonal, suffering from allergies that have me looking like I'm walking around with two black eyes, with a random toothache thrown in to boot. Basically, it's just one of those days, which I'd much prefer to spend cuddled under blankets on the phone complaining about my ailments to my mother, whilst I watch trashy daytime television and sip hot tea.

I also keep getting suspicious accusations from my germaphobe boss that my "allergies" are actually a cover for a cold I know he thinks I have, to which I respond by stating that I don't really believe watery eyes are usually a symptom, but hey, I'M NO DOCTOR. I generally leave that last line out.

I'd also like to take this moment to thank the creators of the Luna and Clif Bars, without which I would assuredly starve to death.

In any case, this is just a little Thursday morning rant that will end shortly--as soon as I can see Friday peeking over the edge of the horizon and teasing me with it's flirtatious promises of weekend sloth.

Until then.

Employee Of The Month Returns

2006-08-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have yet to enjoy watching me make an ass of myself on stage, you really should swing by the Westside Eclectic Santa Monica this Thursday and check out the latest edition of "Employee of The Month" entitled, "Julie's Sixteenth Birthday."

Please come check it out. To order tickets in advance, click here.

For directions, click here.

Remembering The Urban Box

2006-08-21T17:49:00.000-07:00

Some of my fondest memories of music videos come from the Urban Box at UGA, where only the most ridiculous of music videos turned up. It was on this channel that I saw my first Outkast music video and was introduced to Mr. Biggs, courtesy of one fabulous Ms. Kelly Price. And now, in no particular order, I present to you, my favorite Kelly Price music videos, one of which is actually in my top five favorite music videos of ALL TIME. Please, enjoy.

Let's start with, "You Should've Told Me."

Kelly is clearly doing her best to keep her man interested, trying on outfit after complicated outfit, weave after weave, various combinations of eyeshadow and lip gloss--all to no avail. And haven't we all been there at one point or another, ladies? I know that if my crazy red hair and green eye make-up isn't making my man want to rip off my clothes immediately, then something in our relationship has clearly died.

Another great moment (I don't want to spoil the video for those of you who haven't yet watched it, because the best parts are at the end and involve the destruction of Kelly's home gym) is when Kelly is singing the chorus in what appears to be a very constricting outfit with cropped pants and cropped boots bathed in a glowing pink light. It's such a wonderful look at Lane Bryant in the late 90's, one that makes me both nostalgic and a little sad that it's over.

Moving on to a video that is not a Kelly Price song per se, but includes her with Faith Evans on Whitney Houston's "Heartbreak Hotel."

This video makes me smile because it's from a time when Whitney still looked great (wigs, clothes, make-up, etc.) her voice was kicking ass and she came out with one of my favorite break-up albums of all time. No wonder Osama bin Laden had the hots for her. She was on fire.

And as much as the other two ladies accompanying Whitney on this track have the vocal chops to keep up with the superstar, it is clearly Whitney's song and they are her guests, which is the only reason I can guess that they were forced to dress like dental hygiengists-cum-cat burglars complete with uncomfortable-looking blue lab coats and black gloves.

Everyone's so bundled up here at the Heartbreak Hotel, which appears to be located in South Beach, (so well-known for its icy winters) with poor Kelly looking especially well-layered. OK, I'm stopping watching the video right here because I can't stand to watch Whitney throw that snow-white fur coat into the ocean. For years, the question of whether or not they used a dummy coat for that long-shot has tortured me and like the mystery of President Kennedy's death, I'm sure we'll never really know for sure.

And now for the cherry on top. I would like to introduce to you my favorite video of the bunch, "Friend of Mine."

More like a melodramatic off-Broadway production than a music video, this gem would not have been possible without the invention of the 3-way phone conversation, just another of many reasons to be grateful for that technological innovation that has so indelibly altered all of our lives.

A big fan of satin and complicated prints, Kelly does not disappoint in this video, which also has her sporting some very dramatic tears--the kind of tears you can only attain when you find a picture of your best friend and husband together in a compromising position immediately after applying lots and lots of non-waterproof eye make-up.

Ron Isley (AKA Mr. Biggs), reprising the role of Kelly's protective godfather, patiently listens to Kelly's plaintitive tale of betrayal and heartbreak (not immune to an occasional rolling of the eyes and a patronizing, "Uh huh."), seems to have stolen his wardrobe from a high school production of "Guys and Dolls," in which the pinstripes themselves had to be painted on when the local Sears didn't have any suits that were otherwise appropriate for a gangster prone to breaking out into song to express his turbulent emotions.

We see a distraught Kelly, angrily packing up her belonging and clearly this is the last straw because she's even got her hat box on the bed full of satiny underthings and you know when the hat box comes out, a woman means business. Her manner of packing (which includes punching her clothes tearfully into her bags) makes me hope that either all of her outfits are made solely of spandex, or that her destination has access to lots and lots of irons. I have a feeling she might be headed toward the "Heartbreak Hotel," which makes me hope that she's packed enough warm clothes because I know it can get cold there.

Man, she is really man-handling those clothes. Ah, because I know that she finds the incriminating picture in some laundry I am able to surmise that this is some pretty heavy foreshadowing. I can only imagine how many dollar bills will become lint in Kelly's future because of her fear of searching pants pockets lest she find something else that dramatically alters her otherwise peaceful existence.

Oh whew, she walks out in her fur coat. Way not to get so caught up in the emotion of the break-up that you forget to take that fur, girl.

Now we're reminiscing with Kelly about the good times spent with her best friend. Ooh, it's always the skinny bitches, idn't it, Kel? Look at them, so happy, despite what I can only imagine must be an unbearably sweltering temperature under Kelly's enormous leather trenchcoat. Poor Kelly, so blissfully unaware of the infidelity to come.

Then suddenly, shit gets ominous when Mr. Biggs shows up. He's about as terrifying as those cartoon weasels from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" and the suspense is building. He gets to the concierge at what I think is a hotel, and speaks with the concierge who I can only guess is telling Mr. Isley that he and his posse really aren't allowed to be smoking those cigars indoors.

At this point, Ron, gets Kelly on the phone and instructs her to get her cheating man on the line so Mr. Biggs can read him the riot act. After some weak protestation, "I don't wanna, I don't wanna..." she finally relents and calls after Ron warbles to her, "I know, but it's just the principle of the who-oole thing."

This is where the magic happens. I could transcribe the converation between the offending husband and angered Godfather but it really has to be seen to be believed. And we find out in this exchange the nature of Mr. Biggs and Kelly's relationship in with some soap-opera-like exposition and clunky metaphors:

This is my goddaughter and I'm just tryin' to protect her heart.
You may have been a moon to her, but to me, she's the sta-a-ars.

It is at this point that Mr. Biggs is so overcome with disgust he tells his goddaughter, "Kelly take this phone!"

And with a final grand gesture, Kelly slides her ring across her grand piano so that it disappears into the corner of the screen--the only way this opus could end, really.

Featured Myspace Profile O' Tha Day

2006-08-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

Check it.

Her glasses are from the future.

Beerfest, The Movie

2006-08-17T22:23:00.000-07:00

I can't decide which this makes me hate more, America or straight men.

Sometimes I wish I were dumb.

Oh, Chloe.

2006-08-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

Looking at this outfit, I can only surmise that you are openly trying to make me dislike you.

If it weren't for Gummo...

I Bet If You Put Fire Near Either One...

2006-08-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

...they'd both melt.

Is it just me...

2006-08-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

...or does it look like Naomi's packing penis?

Scary Baby Pumpkin

2006-08-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

Ewwww.

Why would anybody go to the trouble of creating that?

Mr. Versatile

2006-08-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

Ugh.

More of these stupid True ads with guys in them who are so boring-looking I can't stand it. Is this really the best they can do to lure women into signing up for their online dating service?

I love how this man is Mr. Everything and they don't even bother to change his shirt -OR- expression. Here's lil' dude at the photo shoot, getting instructions from the art director.

"Okay, now give me mild bemusement...yes, yes, that's GREAT! Now, I want you mildly A-mused. No, I said BE-mused before, this is different. Good, GOOD! You've got it! No, you can keep the same shirt on.

Now, I want you to give me your best O-face. Oh. Really? That's what it looks like? Oh well...now, I'd like the face of someone masking mild discomfort. PERFECT!

Well, I think we're done here. We've nailed it. Another great True ad to send out wide. You're welcome, world."

Want a headache?

2006-08-04T11:42:00.000-07:00

Then click on this kid's myspace page.

I wonder if he likes parties.

And lasers.

Making The Treadmill Look Fun

2006-08-04T11:17:00.000-07:00

This is so adorable. I'm both jealous that I didn't make it and utterly amused at the same time.

My Mother, The Film Critic

2006-08-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

This is my mom's very accurate description of Final Destination 3: Thrill Ride.

"It's some movie about a rollercoaster."

What if...

2006-08-01T16:59:00.000-07:00

...Milli Vanilli's twin sister, Rab or Fob,...

...met up with black Sheena Easton?

Ta-da.

Thank you, Mike Wilson. :)

Ever wondered what a "cool hottie" looks like?

2006-08-01T16:33:00.000-07:00

Allow me to introduce you to my future husband, Lame-O McLamerson.

I love the fact that advertising execs think that giving a 30-something-year old wannabe actor/model frosted tips and spiky hair makes him look "youthful" and "attractive."

I bet when they were trying to cast for this model shoot, they were all:

"Let's go with the guy with the pointy hair. He looks 'edgy' and 'Gen-X,' er, I mean 'Gen-Y,' er I mean...what are we calling them now?"

"Oh, who cares what we call 'em. As long as they keep buying iPods."

"Hmm...can we photoshop a tribal tattoo on his neck...?"

Looking for a masseur in NY?

2006-08-01T16:23:00.000-07:00

Then William Gallagher is your man. But bear in mind, he does NOT offer a "safe release."

Please, please, PLEASE go to his site.

Well, you don't have to look at the whole thing, but his cowboy picture and the fact that he puts his height, weight, eye and hair color on his web page and yet refuses to be naked during your massage session does seem a bit perplexing and warrants at least a quick glance.

However, if you only have a moment to spare, I recommend going straight to the FAQ page. The issues that he feels are necessary to address range from the mundane to wonderfully ridiculous.

How To Walk Softly

2006-07-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

Ever wondered what the quietest way to walk is? Use the outsides of your feet, as opposed to stepping heel toe.

This information brought to you courtesy of U.S. Army survival training.

-Office Monkey Blog-
Just when you thought you knew what this blog was about, we go and throw some random knowledge on ya.

Schmetrosexual

2006-07-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

What is this word I'm suddenly hearing tossed around, "retrosexual"?

I just noticed it a not too long ago on some link to an article about Vince Vaughan, but didn't think much of it until I saw another such link to an article about Russell Crowe.

So, ever the investigative journalist, I googled it. And here's what I found.

Wordspy defines the term:
retrosexual (ret.roh.SEK.shoo.ul) n. A man with an undeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his appearance and lifestyle. Also: retro-sexual.
—retrosexuality n.

If you feel inclined to scroll further down, you'll see that a certain Mark Simpson is credited with coining the phrase, "metrosexual," which started this hullaballoo in the first place.

Geez Louise, us Americans sure love a good label. To be fair, though, I'm just as guilty of this, having had recently branded my boyfriend a "nerd lover," an accusation justified by the very existence of our relationship.

Ponder that, my pretties.

A Right Proper Gentleman

2006-07-27T16:07:00.000-07:00

Now, I almost never blog about people I work with, unless I'm being anecdotal or complimentary, but I have to make a comment about one of the little dudes in the office with me.

I'm guessing he's about a year out of college and out here in L.A. I know he's from the South and is EXTREMELY nice, but has this really, really annoying habit of using excessively proper and antiquated language and deliberate diction because I think he is terrified of sounding like some kind of Southern bumpkin.

Here are some examples:

When he had some troubles with the fax machine, he'd say, "Blast!" Or when the other P.A. in the office asked him about a girl he used to date, he responded that their last chat was, "cordial."

But I think the incident that annoyed me the most was when I overheard him talking with someone who noted with interest that even though he grew up in the South, he had no accent. And he responded, "Well, I think that might be attributed to the fact that I rarely spent time with my peers."

I'm sorry, but who talks like that? For serious.

Buddy, Buddy, Buddy

2006-07-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

From Reuters:

The 'Buddy on Demand' blow-up man. He fits in a car's glove box, appears at a flick of a switch and when a woman has finished using him, she can just pull the plug and he deflates. (Sheilas' Wheels/Handout/Reuters)

Word has it that development is already in progress for 'Buddy on Demand 2.0,' who will be capable of unnecessarily fiddling with buttons on the dash (including, of course, the radio), back-seat driving and complaining that the female driver is in the "slowest lane possible" and should, "pull over and let him drive."

Who is this?

2006-07-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ashlee Simpson seems determined to become so generic-looking that it's impossible to even identify her these days. With her new nose, fake tan, gleaming-white choppers, shrinking frame and typically trendy and unflattering Hollywood starlet outfit, it's hard to know who the hell she is.

Is it the lost Olsen triplet?

Nicole Richie's cousin?

Some girl who hosts a travel show on E!?

Ugh. It's like she's had any shred of a personality surgically removed. Good luck with your career as an indistinguishable clone. I eagerly await your obligatory photo spread in some men's magazine in the near future.

Please don't ever procreate.

My Back-Up Plan

2006-07-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

As many of you may or may not know, I have a fool-proof back-up plan, just in case this whole entertainment thing doesn't pan out for me:

Get my hands on a shit-ton of fertility drugs and get pregnant with adorable twins, whom I can pimp out as child actors and build an empire of money, television shows and sweet, sweet merchandise.

Cause functional childhoods are for poor people.

Comedy Central Wants to Eat Your Baby

2006-07-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

Recently, I posted about how I was going to submit my 5-minute cartoon and (with my sketch comedy group) a sketch comedy show to Comedy Central's Test Pilot Contest.

After I finally sat down to read the guidelines of the agreement my friends and I would be signing, we realized (also after a chat with an entertainment lawyer) that it was NOT a good idea to participate in the contest because of how much we would be giving away. Here's what tipped me off:

You hereby grant to CP the non-exclusive, royalty-free, irrevocable right and license to use and otherwise exploit the Materials, in whole or in part, which shall include, without limitation, the right to exhibit, broadcast, copy, reproduce, encode, compress, encrypt, incorporate data into, edit, broadcast, rebroadcast, transmit, record, publicly perform, create derivative works of, and distribute and synchronize in timed relation to visual elements, the Materials and/or any portions or excerpts thereof, in any manner, an unlimited number of times, in any and all media, now known or hereafter devised, throughout the world, in perpetuity.

So, for those of you considering submitting your work, just make sure you know what you're going to be giving up.

The Office Monkey Returns

2006-07-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not folks, I'm back in an office again--but have no fear, it's just for 3 weeks or so to work in the bowels of production for a comedy special for A&E. I've become so spoiled these past few months, living the life of a free range office monkey, that I'm a little worried I've forgotten how to behave betwixt cubicle walls. I guess showing up in my pj's, a bowl of cereal in hand, might not make the best first impression on my first day back in the grind.

If you don't hear back from me in at least a few days, please, send help.

Or at least a 3-hole punch.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

2006-07-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

I found myself popping in one of my favorite DVD's of all time (The Truth About Cats & Dogs) to keep me occupied whilst I worked on some drawings for "Still Lisa," and was reminded of how much I love Uma Thurman.

Earlier today, I spoke with someone who had worked on "My Super Ex-Girlfriend," and she told me that the script was pretty funny, so she expects the movie will be pretty good--she can only assume because she quit before it was finished shooting. So, this raises my expectations for the movie, which I was planning to go see regardless because it just seems like fun.

Here's hoping Uma delivers.

"Still Lisa"

2006-07-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

Here's a sneak preview of the main character for the cartoon my friends and I have created, based on a slightly more cartoony version of my personality, highliting my remarkably short attention span.

Her name is, of course, Lisa and we're submitting our 5-minute pilot idea to Comedy Central, so when it's up there and it's time to vote, I expect all of you to dutifully vote for yours truly.

Actually, I'll be submitting two of them, another one for "Employee of the Month," so don't forget to vote for both.

Finally, I have a good excuse to show for why I've been neglecting "Office Monkey" lately.

The Best Passive-Aggressive Wedding Gift of The Year

2006-07-20T19:25:00.000-07:00

Can't figure out exactly how to tell your best guy friend that even though you're grudgingly agreeing to attend his wedding, you really would like to show him exactly what you think of his trashy, immature, gold-digging young bride who has chronic thong concealment issues?

Why not try giving him the Christopher & Adrianne Commemorative Wedding Candle?

The Internet's Newest Socialite

2006-07-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

I don't believe that I properly introduced my Office Monkey readers to the fact that I'm now currently blogging full-time for A Socialite's Life, although I'm sure I've told most of you in person already.

For those of you who didn't know, here are some cool mentions of the press release, announcing my new J-O-B.

-The Press Release where it all began.

-Blogebrity

-Fameish Media, A Socialite's parent company does some talkin' about me.

-Wizbang Pop!

And, in case you're wondering if this post seems a little self-congratulatory, let me just clear things up and let you know that yes, it is utterly and completely so.

Thanks for reading, guys. :)

Waist Deep...no pun here.

2006-07-03T18:30:00.000-07:00

At the behest of my visiting brother-in-law, I went to go see "Waist Deep" at the Arclight this Saturday.

Right off the bat, let me just tell you the best part of the movie without giving too much away: Getting to see Kimora Lee Simmons tied up and gagged is pretty much the high point.

The Game played the arch-villain, an angry menacing gangster with a fucked-up eye and a tendency to slice off his victims' body parts with his machete. Partway through the movie, I remembered his appearance on the dating show, Change of Heart, when his girlfriend left him holding his "Stay Together" sign, while she opted for a "Change of heart."

I leaned over to tell my sister, to which she replied, "Well, maybe that's why he's so angry now."

Good point, Heidi. I like to imagine that's part of his backstory. Maybe he cried so much from the break-up that it fucked up one of his eyes. That would piss me off too.

So, here are the things I learned from the movie:

1) All one really needs to pull off a successful bank robbery is hooker shoes, a push-up bra and a multitude of wigs and weaves. And, Heidi added, lots and lots of lip gloss.

2) Mexico is a less dangerous place to live than Los Angeles.

3) Tyrese must have gained some weight because I can't figure out why he never took off his shirt. I guess he's fully graduated from video-ho to serious actor.

The Artist Formerly Known As Office Monkey

2006-06-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, a working blogger, happily waking up in quite a leisurely fashion and getting to do my work in my pajamas. I can eat breakfast while I write up my posts and have found that most of my work gets done from about 7:30AM until 10:30AM, leaving most of my afternoon free to do as I please. I don't have someone looking over my shoulder, checking on my work. There is no busy work here in my new office, which looks an awful lot like my breakfast nook. Things are good in a lot of ways.

But I have to admit that it can get a little lonely. I'm not saying that I miss the drudgery of the 9 to 5, as much as I miss the cameraderie formed between us soldiers in the trenches. Where are my buddies, with whom I would meet in the kitchen for a kick of caffeine to keep us going for the rest of the day? They're not in my apartment, that's for sure.

My boyfriend tells me he's jealous because I get to work from home. And, I admit that I love most of it wholeheartedly. But it does feel weird, not having someone to turn to and crack a joke. Or ask them what they're planning on doing for lunch.

I feel like a celebrity complaining about the pitfalls of fame. Why do the press hound me so? For me, it's just a question of figuring out how to keep from turning into a complete shut-in during the day.

Maybe I need to build my own office--start my own business somehow. Get some cubicle walls and create my own office environment.

Perhaps if I build it, they will come.

Whatever you're doing right now...

2006-06-26T15:57:00.000-07:00

...cease immediately and watch this.

Gotta love Four Four.

Also, Four Four's been keeping up with Janice's new show, which I haven't yet seen, so it's a good place to keep up on your J.Dick happenings.

My new BFF

2006-06-24T01:05:00.000-07:00

In keeping with my tradition of jumping on the bandwagon way too late, I've recently become very into Lisa Loeb's dating show, "#1 Single," via her iTunes podcast and the show's website.

Sadly, I am still without cable and kind of refuse to get it for reasons I'm not even sure of anymore, so one of these days, I'm going to have to figure out a way to actually get to watch the show either through Netflix or some magic TiVo at a friend's house.

Until then, there's always the adorable http://www.lisaloeb.com.

More Employee of the Month!

2006-06-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

So, Employee of the Month has a show this upcoming Thursday and I'm in it. For those of you who missed our McCadden Theater performance, you can catch up with us on the West Side. Woo hoo!

Click HERE to buy tickets online.

Hope to see you there!

Lisa T.

Girl, I can tell you been cryin' and you need somebody to talk to...

2006-06-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

Gossip blog, "Social Rank", reports that Beyonce and Jay-Z are over, citing confirmation from inside sources, as well as well-publicized fights the couple have been having lately.

Sorry, J, but if it comes down to a battle over who gets which friends, I'm gonna have to side with my girl, B.

And it's not because she's a girl and I tend to side with the girls in these situations by default.

And it's not because she is the child referred to in the name of the supergroup, Destiny's Child.

And it's not because she's Foxy Cleopatra and she's a whole lotta woman.

And it's not because she's Beyonce Knowles and I nearly shit myself when I got to see her perform live last year on the Destiny's Child Farewell Tour...

Oh wait. Maybe it is.

In any case, girl, come on over. We can watch episodes of Sex and the City. I'll cook us up a monster batch of pasta and we'll do mani's, pedi's and facials.

And in the morning, if you're feeling guilty, we can just run off those carbs.

Aight?

Pants-off Dance-Off

2006-06-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

Since I don't have cable, I have to rely on the kindness of others to bring things like "The D-List" and "Pants-off Dance-Off" to my attention.

So, when my friend and compatriot, Kris Jones, told me about Pants-off Dance-Off, I found their site, where you can watch some of the best Dance-Off's from the show. Basically, it's people dancing around in front of a green-screen while they take off their clothes.

My favorite so far is Masta Wong, because there is a moment where he is completely naked (and blurred, of course) and decides to move his body in such a way, as to isolate the movement of his weiner into a circular motion.

It's attention to detail such as that, which has made him the reigning All-Time Champ.

***Just for the record, I'd like to give a shout-out to my boy, Sean, who told Kris about P-O, D-O in the first place. :) ***

Kathy Griffin

2006-06-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been catching a lot of Kathy Griffin's Show, "My Life On The D-List" and after a few episodes, I'm pretty much 99% sure that I'm about 2 gays separated from her.

More on our blossoming friendship to come...

P.S. I love that I actually managed to find a pic of Kathy and Gwen.

I want a dog.

2006-06-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

A cute little doggie that I could take for walks and cuddle and love forever and ever.

But, I live in a studio apartment and can't really afford it right now. Also, it's a lot of responsibility. It's not like a baby. If you throw a puppy in a dumpster, it's probably going to crawl out eventually and then there will be implications. And it could get awkward between you and the doggie. Cause if it's healthy, it could live a while and it might remember the time you tried to throw it away.

And, when I think about it, it would be really inconvenient for me to have to get up in the middle of the night and take it outside to go pee or poop and having to clean up after it would also be really annoying. It's even more work than a boyfriend and I already have one of those.

Sigh.

Maybe what I really want is a Roomba.

Hello and welcome to Sketch City

2006-06-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

So, I'm perusing Craigslist, as I do on a daily basis, and saw the link to this craigslist ad, the title of which is "Beautiful and University Educated Women Sought."

Meeting all of their requirements, my interest was naturally aroused. So, I clicked, 99% sure it would be someone else asking for my coveted eggs. Boy, was I wrong.

And here's the thing, I totally meet their criteria up until they need me to be "reliable, dependable, and trustworthy."

It's like the time I was about to apply for the Air Force Academy and got through filling out most of the application and then realized I wasn't actually capable of doing a single push-up. And then I realized that I didn't actually want to join in the first place.

That's Ms. Gibson, if you're nasty

2006-06-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

...and most of y'all are. So, here's a little something from and for my gays.

The Factory Event Space presents:

DEBORAH GIBSON
Performing Live on Stage
Friday, June 16th @ POPStarZ

CHEAP Drink Specials:
POPTiNi Lounge: Enjoy our dirt cheap $3 Martinis from 9pm-11pm! $1 Jello ShotZ (while they last!)

Doors open 9pm • 21 & over

"POPStarZ" is located
The Factory Event Space
652 N. La Peer Dr.
West Hollywood

I just love how you have to be 21 or older to get in--like you'd have any idea who she is if you're under 21. Instead of checking ID's, they should just check to see if entrants know the lyrics to "Shake Your Love." Cause frankly, I think you should be allowed to drink if you do.

Lisa's Kissing Quiz

2006-06-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

Don't get confused, this isn't MY kissing quiz--I can't take credit for it. Lisa B. e-mailed a bunch of her friends, asking about kissing information and our responses resulted in this quiz, which has declared me to be a "playful kisser."

Which I find odd, cause I always thought that I took kissing very seriously.

Nooooooooooooo!

2006-06-16T00:08:00.000-07:00

This recent pic of Liv Tyler on the left at CityRag makes it look like maybe she's started using collagen, if you compare it to the older photo of her on the right.

I feel three ways about this...

1) ...sad.

2) ...secretly, a little bit satisfied that girls I've always imagined are so naturally pretty they're beyond feelings of vulnerability may actually be human.

3) ...still confused that somehow, no matter what she does, Kate Moss doesn't age. Seriously, that woman could subsist solely on free-radicals and turpentine for the next year or so and could wake up with one hour of sleep looking camera-ready for a spread in Vogue. It's freakin' disgusting.

For serious...

2006-06-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

...can I buy one of these from Harajuku lovers?

Cause that is too friggin' cute.

Now, if little Kingston would have been born with pink hair, I seriously would have to kidnap him.

I also love that Gwen looks like, "Yeah, I just had a baby. Ain't no reason to forget to put on my fake eyelashes."

And you know she's rocking some stillettoes with that outfit, ho.

And the saga continues...

2006-06-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

Ah, remember the good times? Back when these two were still buds?

Well, according to MSN's Gossip Blog, the feud between Paris and Lindsay is still going strong.

Apparently, Paris doesn't like it when girls sleep with what she likes to refer to as "old penis," which in Lohan's defense, doesn't exactly give Linds much to work with. So now, I'm guessing Lindsay's gonna have to start sleeping with smart boys, which is probably going to be the beginning of a feud between her and me.

And we were doing so well these days.

Hell Hath Frozen The Fuck Over

2006-06-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

I was on "The Superficial" earlier today, looking for a link to Paris Hilton's music video for her single "Stars Are Blind" and I have to say, even though the guy's description of the video as boring and looking "like what you'd get if you gave somebody $20 and told him to film Paris and a guy making out on the beach for 4 minutes," honestly...I actually like the song.

Sort of.

Dammit. I'm totally going to have it stuck in my head all summer.

P.S. Don't you totally love my choice of picture above? I chose it because I feel like she looks like a Bond character, whom I'm going to name, "Crotchy McCrotcherson" and whom I'd like to believe likes to spout such subtle innuendo as, "Would you like to take a look at my vagina, James? I mean, I'd like to get my money's worth of this bikini wax."

Cookies and Cream

2006-06-15T12:37:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are interested, here's a pic for a Caption It! Contest on "Overeducated and Underemployed."

Here's my contribution:

In an effort to widen her approval among the more liberal of the American people, Condaleeza Rice openly announces her mixed-race relationship with Mr. Met, only to realize too late that most people don't actually know she's not white.

Shopgirl...APPROVED!

2006-06-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

So, I finally saw "Shopgirl" starring Steve Martin, Claire Danes and Jason Schwartzman last week and *sigh* it managed to worm its way into "Lisa's Must-Have DVD" List.

Let's get my favorite lines out of the way, both uttered by one Jason Schwartzman.

"So, can I kiss you or what?"

"Ouch. It feels like someone is punching my balls."

As if he hadn't endeared himself enough to me the first time I saw him in his nerdy blazer with a crest upon the breast, Jason Schwartzman managed to combine his adorably earnest portrayal of Max Fischer with his performance as the arrogant young director in CQ, in Jeremy Kraft, whose obnoxiousness somehow manages to both charm and repel in "Shopgirl."

Claire Danes is awesome. Running the risk of playing the Sylvia-Plathesque protagonist/hapless victim, she manages to dodge this bullet by giving Mirabel a personality and hopefulness, which is a quality I often find lacking in the heroines of indie-minded films (*see "The Secretary"), rendering the character beyond sympathy in my book.

Steve Martin as the older, smoother and emotionally detached beau was both seductive and abhorrent as he proceeded to go through the motions of winning Mirabel's heart, realizing that he would inevitably break it.

Do yourself a favor and watch this. You have no excuse, cause I'm totally gonna buy it and then you can just call me and borrow it.

Also, L.A. is so pretty in this movie, it makes me want to buy sepia-toned sunglasses, so I can see it the same way every day.

Anna Nicole Smith's Pregnancy

2006-06-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

Here are my thoughts on that hot mess...

Apparently reading a book is just about the most effective birth control one can use these days.

I'm gonna procreate again, y'all!

2006-06-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

For serious.

Does Britney have to shop exclusively at Forever 21 for her maternity wear? This is ridiculous.

Girl, I gots to tell ya. I am not hating on the chunk. Cause that would be wrong. Like we don't all have fat pants that we wear when we're terrified of anyone actually requesting to see us naked.

But seriously. How is it that you have a "fat" mini-skirt?

WTF, chica. WTF.

Now, here's the really sad part. I can't tell if this pic has been doctored, but sadly, it could totally be real these days.

Toxic for real, yo.

My New Hero

2006-06-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

Mike Wilson brought D-Listed's most recent "Caption It!" contest picture to my attention and I have to say, it's so damn good, it warrants reposting here on Office Monkey.

First of all, how much do you love the little hair wispies clouding her face, indicating that this child rarely sits still? Clearly, she's a dynamo on and off the playground.

Secondly, this is the kind of little girl that I was way too shy to be, but who would have been the perfect candidate for my best friend, since I could conveniently live vicariously through her amusing antics.

Watch out, Sarah Silverman, chica's got you in her sights. And what a headstart it is.

True Love Smells Like Chicken

2006-06-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

Not to get sappy on you guys, but earlier this week, I was instant messaging a guy friend of mine and told him, "My kitchen smells like chicken."

The reason being that I was cooking chicken for the picnic lunch I share with my boyfriend on his lunch break from work (one of my many perks as one of the unemployed). Being a vegetarian, I haven't had chicken in my refrigerator for quite some time now.

And, I told this to my friend in our instant message conversation, at which point, he told me, "I guess love smells like chicken."

At least for me it does.

The Unemployed Gal and Daytime Network Television

2006-06-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

Just so you know, your office monkey is currently unemployed and waiting to start her new blogging job! Woo hoo! Here's a little something I wrote about my "out-of-office" experience...

When I really examined my recent behavior patterns this morning, I realized that I’m giving off some very contradictory vibes. I mean, I am an avid follower of pop-culture—the trashier, the better, to be quite frank. I majored in “Video Production” of all things, and have been working in and around the entertainment industry since graduating college and moving to Los Angeles.
For all intents and purposes, one would assume that I should have—at the very least—basic cable.

And, as I sit on my bed in front of my hand-me-down television set with my hand-me-down rabbit ears propped on the top of it watching the third syndicated episode of Blind Date in a row, I realize that my media consumption is probably way below what the Food and Drug Administration would recommend for a woman of my height, weight, age and immaturity.

So, this morning, I decided to take action and forced myself to bone up on my daytime network television intake. Since I’m currently unemployed, I have the time. All I needed was a little motivation.

First off, there are the morning shows. Now, do you fancy yourself a Good Morning America individual, or are you more of a Today show person? Or are you somehow able to stomach the very real and uncomfortable tension between the members of Good Day Live?

Personally, I find myself gravitating toward NBC’s Today show. Perhaps you are assuming that all this hoopla about Katie Couric leaving the show, to be replaced Meredith Viera of the View, is the reason for my current interest in the show. If that’s the case, then you would be wrong. I’m no Johnny-Come-Lately. Honestly though, it has more to do with the fact that Channel 4 comes in most clearly most of the time.

Who would have thought that in this up-to-the-nanosecond age of technology and information, there would exist an individual under the age of thirty, whose television-watching patterns would be dictated by something as fickle as which channel is the least fuzzy?

But, I digress—back to the TV.

After catching a few useful recipes, a stern talking-to about how important sunscreen is at this time of year, as well as some make-up and fashion tips to help minimize any signs of aging that I may have already experienced at this point in my life, I made the transition from the morning shows, to the trashier arena of mid-morning network programming.

What’s your pleasure? Court Television? Trashy talk? To be honest, I found myself drifting off at this point and didn’t really snap back into focus until my beloved Blind Date appeared on the screen.

I could have opted for the Starting Over house, which I like to rationalize is the more intellectual choice, but decided that today I would indulge in what I would call a guilty pleasure, were there any guilt involved. As it is, any semblance of irony in what I deem to be awesome, flew out the window with my indie-rock cred a long time ago.

Blind Date. God, I love you.

It manages to soothe me in a way that only a show that simultaneously makes me feel both smarter and more socially adept than the average American, can.

Case in point:

Girl (to her very muscular date): So, what do you do?

Guy (after slightly too much thought for such a simple question): I’m a personal trainer.

Girl (in an extremely dry tone of voice): Well, that would explain the guns.

Something about the way that I could tell the girl was clearly considering having sex with the beautiful, yet mentally vacant stud with whom she was paired, despite a complete disinterest in his personality, made me love her just a little bit.

Commercials. This is when you get to see exactly what television programmers think of you. Ads for gastric bypass surgeries. Technical colleges. Get off your fat ass, lose some weight and get a job. Or at least a motorized scooter, so that you’ve got some means of getting to that check-cashing place so that you can finally afford to pay for that low-cost car insurance that company is offering. Yeah, maybe I’m unemployed. But I’m not fat. Jerks.

Back to the dates. Making fun of these people on Blind Date makes me wonder just how charming I would have looked on any of my dates, had they been videotaped. I feel a momentary pang of sympathy for the victims on screen, until a promo for tomorrow’s episode appears, featuring “Pumpkin” from “Flavor of Love” on a date way before her infamous feud with “Brooklyn” and I remember that these are not normal people. They are a different breed of human—reality-whores. And then I return to feeling superior and all is right in the world.

As I continued watching, I became frustrated with my limitations. Why didn’t I have cable? There’s nothing on right now. I only have about six channels to choose from. This sucks.

And then I remembered something. And that something was my life before—life with cable television. I remembered what it felt like to flip through all the channels on the television set, without a single one catching my attention for more than a moment. And I remembered how frustrated I was that we only had basic cable and that’s why I couldn’t find anything to watch.

And that’s when I realized, there’s never always something good to watch, really. And honestly, that’s probably exactly how it should be. I shouldn’t get pissed at the limitations—rather, I should accept them and learn that maybe sometimes, it would be good to peel my lazy ass off the couch, go out and enjoy the beautiful California summer weather, with which I was blessed.

But let’s not get crazy here—I still totally need to sign up for Netflix because living like a cavewoman is getting kind of old.

Seriously. It’s like 18 bucks a month. There’s no good excuse.

Britney's Baby Woes...yeah, I know, I'm late

2006-06-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

I saw this picture just now and got to thinking, to Britney's credit, did anyone ever consider that maybe little Sean Preston was just trying to escape?

A Good Break-Up

2006-06-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm WAY over the underfed and overly tanned Jennifer Anniston and the last thing I thought I'd enjoy was a filmic version of her spilling her guts about a break-up.

You know, cause we haven't heard enough about her personal break-up this year.

Quite honestly, the only reason I agreed to go see it in the movie theater in the first place was because it was a diplomatic choice made by my boyfriend on an outing with his family.

Also, it's a bit depressing to see how puffy Vince Vaughan and Jon Favreau have become. They both look like they could use some antihistamines, or at least a cold compress to combat the swelling.

Despite all of that, I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed "The Break-Up." It was both realistic and funny. Before watching the film, I encountered reviews, proclaiming the realism to be uncomfortable for a romantic comedy.

Personally, I believe it forced the humor to come from a more organic place than most romantic comedies, which seem to rely more on wacky premises and suspension of disbelief for laughs.

To both of their credits, Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughan were well-matched in their comedic talents, and were simultaneously able to portray a realistic vulnerability not often found in most movies of this genre. Vince Vaughan was particularly entertaining just being himself, and it was refreshing that he was able to do so in conjunction with a smart script--and not some cheesy, testosterone-laden guy comedy.

And, that's my two cents on that.

Vitamin-C becomes Scott Peterson's Pen Pal

2006-05-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

Just kidding.

But seriously, what is up with this bitch's hair?

And...I'm back!

2006-05-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been away so long. There aren't really any good excuses for my leave of absence. Basically, I've been a deadbeat mom to my poor little Internet baby and I'm going to try and make up for lost time starting now.

That aside, let's start here. Here's what happens when boring people try to be funny.

Hey guy. Stick to writing about sports and leave the snarky comments about fashion to the professionals. In the immortal words of one Mr. Show:

"I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth..."

In fact, let me show you how it's done. See this picture? This is the response, which years of training in smart-assery have helped me to formulate:

I'm sorry, how exactly did Big Boi and Andre 3000 manage to conceive a child and raise him clear into adulthood without my noticing?

Employee of the Month!

2006-05-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Hey there, my faithful readers! I'm sorry I've been so bad at posting lately, but I do have a few good excuses--lack of stable Internet access, and this sketch comedy group I've been working with has been taking up some of my time.

So, we have a show coming up, so you can see the fruits of my/our labor if you're interested. Just click on the pic for more info!

I better see your asses there!

Lisa T.

I want this image...

2006-04-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

...tattooed on either my body, or that of a loved one so that its weirdness can be enjoyed for a lifetime.

At least the strangeness of the picture makes the heavy airbrushing seem not so jarring.

For you, Nina

2006-04-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

Whenever I have a friend or family member suggest to me an idea for a blog entry, they usually have some anecdote attached to it. Like the time Randy was terrorized by Faye Dunawaye, or when Mike sent me the pictures from the Destiny's Child concert. But last night, I got my favorite request, by far from my sister, Nina, when she called me on my cell phone.

"Hey Lisa, so I have an idea for something you can put on your blog."

"Oh cool."

"It's Nick Lachey."

"OK."

"Yeah. You should mention how cute he is. I'm watching him on the MTV special and he's just really cute. He looks like he's about to cry."

Basically, the gist of this entry is that Nina thinks Nick Lachey is cute.

The bar has been set.

2006-04-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

It appears that Angelina Jolie tops People Magazine's "100 Most Beautiful People Issue" and they attribute her humanitarian efforts to giving her that angelic glow that radiates through her flawless skin and adds extra plump to those sexy lips.

She, Brad and the young'un's also garnered the "Most Beautiful Family" title, much to the chagrin (I'm just speculating until her next Vanity Fair tell-all) of the famously tight-lipped (both literally and metaphorically) Jennifer Anniston.

After scanning the article, I noticed I was inconspicuously missing from this so-called "comprehensive list measuring both inner and outer beauty."

Clearly, there is an intern at People whose job (albeit unpaid) is in grave danger of ceasing to exist.

But seriously, I think my best chance would be to go for the "Most Beautiful Family" title cause whether or not I make the most beautiful list on my own, if I can figure out a way to create a family so stunning in its entirety, it might be enough to make People (and people, in general) sit up and take notice.

Score one for you, Angelina.

For now.

Richborards

2006-04-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a little behind the times, but just in case you missed them, here are some pix from US Weekly with Richie Sambora and Denise Richards.

Yes, because if the reason you left your first husband had a lot to do with hookers, your next logical step would be to start a relationship with a rock star.

If Heather Locklear still had muscle control over her overly-Botoxed lower half of her face, I'm sure she still wouldn't be smiling.

Shout out to The Superficial

2006-04-13T10:33:00.000-07:00

The Superficial posted a video of Britney Spears dancing to "To My Sister (Little Me)," a new demo from her album.

To be honest, it's not really the video that's so funny so much as the description of it as:

"something the fat emo girl who sat in the back of highschool literature would make."

Oh Ryan...

2006-04-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

A little nugget from Mike Wilson's blog.

And might I just add, honey, you shouldn't be looking so damn smug when your breasts are behaving like opposing magnets.